This is your typical "sorry i got drunk and tried to seduce you into having sex while you were throwing up" text.
i need to break up with him. i realized this while i was making a mental grocery list while we were having sex. this is not the first time i've done that.
She carries her pencils in a crown royal bag... Need I say more?
I didn't want to have to tell you this, violating our brother/sister code not to discuss these things but: for the love of christ stop inviting that 21 year old idiot I slept with for six months to EVERY PARTY WE THROW.
Just saw a cougar do the walk of shame. She asked housekeeping where the fastest elevator was.
Come get her ASAP. She's "people bowling," which is just her rolling into random groups of people. People look pissed.
I had to make out with him. He bought me a few drinks and he was an Angels fan. As a Yankee fan that was my way of saying good game and sorry we beat the shit out of you
I think I should just accept my destiny that I'm going to be someone's second wife
My tits sealed my fate
I didn't pay for a single drink 'help me I'm poor' was my drink pickup line. it totally worked.
Then she said I give the best mouth hugs and bar went silent.
Totally forgot Mike has only one ball. Is it sad I'm excited to see it? Or shall I say the lack of it?
That's good. Don't want to see you bellydancing in prison for homemade wine.
Pretty sure my idea of standards went out the window when I hooked up with a guy who had a rooster tattoo with an arrow pointing down to his no no bits. Think about it.
I just want to go home and eat bagel bites in my underwear
He started yelling terms of endearment at a cheese sandwich. Then he tried to hump it.
Randomize
