I hate you, and I hope you have babies soon that you love very much. Then I will steal them and feed them to sharks, and you will be so heart broken that you never want to have any more kids and you'll just hide out in a dark room all day wondering how someone could feed another persons babies to sharks.
I need to go to a fraternity... my boobs are telling me to.
He told me that he wishes our relationship was more like prison: less touching, more butt sex.
Woke up to sesame street reruns and a $62 pizza bill. Never again. I mean it this time.
two fat guys on crotch rockets just invited me to 'party' with them at a del taco. why does this keep happening to me?
you sat up and said "i'm the worst kind of roommate, the drunk kind"
there are teeth marks in the soap. why are there teeth marks in the soap.
Just so you know, my new pet parrot tried to bond sexually with me today. That is what Google told me. I'm not sure of its gender.
I just threw up again because I opened my eyes... God is laughing. I resorted to taking the Mexican Dramamine because I feel seasick from walking. Not helping.
Did copperhead road at the bar. All the girl next to me did was stare at my glorious bouncing tits. CAN I FUCKING HELP YOU?? I worked hard for these tits.
Ask me who hasn't showered since Sunday and just got cruised at the gas station on his way to work. I'm a terrible gay.
she walked through the crowd, completely naked, slapped a pool attendant in the face and stole the towel he was carrying. she used it to dry her hair.
I think I may be going on too many job interviews. I've started to bring up Shonda Rhimes in my interview answers.
This will never work. His dick is smaller than mine.
Wow. And yours is kind of small.
RIGHT?
I get sad thinking about all the sex I’m missing out on because of the virus
I instituted “quarantine and chill” months ago. It’s not like penises go soft just because they’re working at home.
Randomize
