The first thing on our $10,000 damage bill was "condoms in the main drain"
It's like I'm the Little Bo Peep of sheparding dicks.
Only someone with your twisted mind could come up with that simile. Do you sit around and read 'How to turn Beloved Childrens Stories into Sexual Analogies?' This is the 3rd time you've done this.
Just got the American Express annual summary for 2009. The amount of bars we visited last year is impressive.
all her text said was "asdfhdaufhudshfuds" and i knew that meant come over
Im really high right now and the vending machine is broken and giving out free candy. Please kill me, my life will never get better than this
He asked if I was on the pill, apparently I just downed my glass of beer and winked at him...
bringing a ziploc bag full of Jim Beam to the movies may not have been the best idea.
Good news: he out-ran the campus police. Bad news: they were chasing him toward the REAL police.
A homeless man walked up to me at the bar, pointed, and told me to get my shit together. Jesus?
I've decided to be proactive and make a sex playlist on my phone to avoid any awkward moments in my upcoming slutty summer
I tried to get you something for Valentine's Day too but they said they couldn't deliver skittles and ecstasy :(
Nothing will stop me from making the title of my paper "The Great Political Cock Block." Absolutely nothing.
I threw up in 4 different Starbucks across the city before 9 am.
From now on he's gonna have to shave first. It feels like I got eaten out by a chainsaw!
There's so many drinking games in the Olympics.
you missed out this chick was licking her paddle
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