I had a dream once that juice was flowing out of my kitchen faucet
Well, for starters you dressed up in all Green and kept singing that song from "A Goofy Movie". Then you made us call you Powerline for the rest of the night...needless to say no, you didn't hook up with her
Having sex with the stobe light on was the best bad idea I've ever had.
Idk how she did it. Either she watches freakier porn than I do, or I really need to go get tested.
I have tardy slips. and absent slips if you don't show up to the bar. and trust me, if you are absent there will be a saturday school. I'm teaching you how to drink tonight.
I'm sick of being broke. I had vicodin and frosting for lunch.
No he didn't understand the sequence...then I started texting him these texts with vagina strategically spelt correctly in jumbles of letters.
St Patricks Day is not the day you decide to have a sober epiphany.
You blacked out and then went around stealing other peoples phones and leaving yourself voicemails
I got two from random numbers, the first was me and said "Don't forget you murdered Josh in Wii Bowling"
The second Jenn said "You are ridiculously smart for drunk dialing yourself"
Haha. Fifty shades ain't got shit on me. My tits look like they got in a fight.
I would really just like to get laid somewhere that's not on a bathroom floor at this point in my life
My boyfriend sold my favorite shoes right off my fucking feet last night outside the bar. It might have played a part in our breakup today.
I think your husband is breaking up with me...
How does one un superglue their foot to the floor
Oh damn it. Let me get a beer. I can't take anymore bad news. Hold on.
Randomize
