bras are like tupperware for tits, keeps em fresh.
I fell asleep with crest white strips on and ate one...
Dont judge me. He may have been ugly but he was INCREDIBLE. He's like the Susan Boyle of sex.
I'm helping my Mormon ex boyfriend from high school embrace his inner cross dresser. This is truly god's work.
Ur dog was like a damn middle school chaperone this morning trying to lay between us after what he saw us do last night
So this is what you do on your hungover days off put your balls into an egg carton?
drunk in woodshop so don't even say "I SAWWW THIS COMING." I know you're thinking it.
I will be single by the day my lease is up (234 days). Plan accordingly.
Are you proud of yourself?
ask me again when I'm drunk. Then fuck off.
10/10 dentists agree that he is one bangable mother fucker. hint: i am all of these dentists.
His face matches his life choices. Both are train wrecks.
She gave me a job then fed me cheesecake in bed. She's a keeper!
did anyone ever come to your door asking about the blood on the floor?
The REAL engagement ring is the jeweled butt plug.
Pretty sure he proposed because my house is awesome. His ass is a ten and he's offering to pay more than half the bills... How expensive is a divorce really? I mean I could probably put up with him for three or four years but a lifetime is a big ask.
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