i found a roscoes card in my pocket that says 'fuck me bare fo $15.20'. Wow
Washing the last semen-stained shirt you have really solidifies a breakup. It just got real.
Apparently I kept telling the bartender that I was going to set the Guinness World Record.
it was the drunk execution of a sober decision, and its much more tasteful than the first mullet
That was a $3000 rug we rolled him down the hill in.
Chick in class has 69 tattooed on the back of her neck. Target acquired.
He only had napkins in the bathroom... no toilet paper. If I fuck him, am I settling?
I asked the subway guy how many cookies he thought I could smuggle into the bar. He said it looked like a 6 packer. he was correct
You need to stop me from lighting my hand on fire next time we're working
Some guy just hit on me and then said, well you look too young to ride the emotional roller coaster and guestured to his dick.
Walking into my bedroom & smelling stale sex & disappointment isn't how I envisioned being 39, in case you were wondering.
I'm sitting in Madison square park surrounded by children thanking god I took emergency contraception
Hey remind me the get the pancakes out of my jacket
Come by so you can take a pregnancy test with me. It's like my monthly ritual!
andy told me i got kicked out of the bar and was so drunk i forgot and got back in line. the bouncer was zero impressed
Randomize
