New drinking game: drink every time the guy whose room we are in is creepy
enjoy the hospital
Nothings more american than taking a shit with a handgun next to you.
Yes. Being a lesbian's wingman is a fun as it sounds
So I'm on the can right now reading a court transcript for an appeal. Some dude is paying $155 an hour for me to take a shit.
I just hotboxed my laundry basket.
We watched Jurassic Park and they made me drink every time they saw or named a dinosaur. Do you know how many dinosaurs live in Jurassic Park? Lots.
Somebody really needs to come home and pick up the used condom from the middle of the wood room floor. It's blue, if that helps decide who comes - uh, home.
I made friends with the delivery guy because he had beautiful dread locks and was a Zelda fan. He texted me after he left saying he wasn't trying to be creepy but we should be friends. We're hanging out tomorrow.
How does this kind of shit happen to you?!
A few days ago I apparently came up, asked her to make me soup, and handed her a can of coconut milk.
If thou doesn't answer thou phone thou shall receive a barrage of Dick pics. It's the eleventh commandment.
There must be a happy medium universe where you get it on with my girlfriend enough to cause me pain but not a full on cardiac arrest. It's a fine line to tread though.
Ur here to start shit and I'm here to light that shit on fire
Don't get into any trouble on your trip
The only foreseeable trouble would be pregnancy, but I gotta be sterile otherwise I'm beating some pretty fucking incredible odds
dude i haven't had a solid dump since sunday and i still cant hear out of my right ear
Don't get yourself off tomorrow. We. Are. Having. Sex. That's that. Just dont do it.
Randomize
