Thats something to write home to mom about
Dear Mom, I had sex last nt w a girl that liked to b choked. Im n love. Cant wait for you to meet her
I'm drinking early times at a fridays on wednesday night. This entire bar is going to see my dick by last call.
so my daughter wakes me up this morning and i feel like a vibration so im thinking she has my phone..nope my vibrator
she's not going to take you seriously with an empty 40 and a sombrero on your head.
it was really bad. he went around saying "I want you inside of me" to everyone.
What do you think french fries on pizza would taste like?
i already know. Delicious. Use ranch.
Not sure why, but I was running back and forth across the road. Cab hit me and gave us a free ride home.
The thumbs up barstamp on my hand is mocking my hangover with its positivity.
I had a 10 minute conversation with the refrigerator, it was telling me how it likes to be opened and closed. Ecstasy, I love you.
I'm on the toilet with no toilet paper. When are you coming over? I'm contemplating on just staying here until you arrive.
All I want is a wedding with a dress and a veil and where I can go and my cat can go.
He's completely obsessed with his ex but gives phenomenal head. So overall, yeah, good first date.
Well we can add this to the list of 'where the hell did that bruise come from?'
I'm hiding in my office refusing to turn the light on holding puke down stealing and shoveling down the meeting snacks and regretting my poor life choices. goldfish crackers are like crack to me right now. how is your day?
you were so high you just watched the elf.... its spring
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