New low. Found an ant nibbling on my last xanax. Flicked it away and popped it in my mouth anyways.
Life lesson #57: drinking whisky out of apples leads to threesomes.
Only girl at that party wearing a fake beard and I STILL get laid...
the Monday before Thanksgiving is not a Monday at all. Just Thursday in Monday suit.
So someone hacked my email and facebook and posted a boob pic I took a few years ago as my profile picture. I feel like an MTV commercial.
why is there a handicap sign in the bathtub and an exit sign in the kitchen?
lets deal with that after we figure out where i am
she broke up with me and one of her excuses was constant soreness... should I be sad or proud?
Annabeth just got on the bar and slurred something about how she was worried that when she started dating you your penis wouldnt fit. You are one lucky bastard my friend.
You can wear my underwear. It'll be like old times.
I should have bailed a long time ago. I mean, he has a bible verse-a-day app next to his dick pics in his phone.
You didn't try to help me when I fell on the dance floor. She brought me cupcakes. You're a shitty friend, suck your own dick.
It's 4 am here and I just vomited myself awake....Not rising OR shining any time soon
for not the first time in my life, my clothes are covered in piss and i'm standing in line waiting to buy pedialyte at a convenience store
Apparently I told him the people made me order taco bell I didn't even want it. And then proceeded to turn off all the lights and sit at the kitchen table in the dark and told him not to look at me.
Ben Franklin would totally be a furry.
You're smoking weed and checking Tumblr I take it?
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