Do you like marathons because that's how long I plan on fucking you.
I wonder why dictionaries dont have indexes to help find the words easier.
At least you didnt end up topless in a Tina Turner wig singing cabaret tunes
My STD test came back clean. I'd like to thank all the guys I've slept with, they made this possible. I want to say thanks to all my friends, for believing in me living up to the full slut potential. And last but not least, I'd like to thank alcohol. I wouldn't be who I am today w/out you. I feel like I need to frame this...
I'm on the strip, it's like a mini new years eve. Some girl just got taken away on a stretcher with her meter margarita in her hand claiming it's trophy for being awesome. Damn tourists are lightweights.
A good ear swabbing is more orgasmic than sex with him
It's shit like that that makes me wish being deaf was contagious
dude, i warned you that using a card to pay for my hotel room was a bad idea. You deserve the extra $600 in cleaning fees
He wouldn't let me ride him with a Ninja Turtles hat on...
I put tequila in my salad dressing yesterday. Step the fuck up.
My ex-fiancee UPS-ed me a sixer of tall boys, and a fifth of bourbon for christmas, from halfway across the country. What does this mean?
Momentum is force x velocity. So therefore velocity is 0 - hammered, and force is ur legs locked up and ur face hits the ground.
I felt paralized they just wouldnt move. We need segways when were drunk cuz if we start to fall forward they well take off and save the fall.
And let me tell you, getting your ass waxed is the weirdest fucking experience.
Now that you have a boyfriend, can I have my vibrator back?
That wasn't even sex. That was a fuckoning
...did you just create a word for what we did?
Randomize
