seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
I just walked through a room full of deaf people and farted i love deaf people
y-o-u-r-e = you are, y-o-u-r = your. you are a bag of douche not your bag of douche. if you're going to insult me at least do it in proper english. that is all.
Have thirty minutes until my shift starts. My heart says liquor store but my future says no
i think i made a good impression on his friends wen i survived 55 cup beer pong
Maid of honor is brides sister and single. Likes lemondrops. You're welcome.
I definitely paid for a case and a fifth and all I got was 6 beers and a crown and coke. Wtf. Bar math sucks
I'd rather take 10 virginities than catch something. Right now I should be good, I mean the sex with Jake was so bad he can't possibly have an std
Serious questions. Who is that girl? Why is she wearing a tiara? And why does she keep asking about penis piercings?
I just almost puked & then I panicked and forced it back down because I thought I would be a waste of the apple turnover I ate.. I'm that hungover
Omg I can't even...
I walked a mile in this weather wearing nothing but a toga. Zero fucks. Your move Mother Nature.
No. DON'T DO IT. Friends don't let friends fuck clowns.
Did she seriously come back inside just to piss on the kitchen floor?
I can't remember what I did last night, but judging from the state of my hair I had a pretty good time.
If I'm legally allowed to go to jail than I should legally be allowed to tell a cop to fuck off. Basic principles.
Yea, but did you really have to throw a sandwich at him??
Randomize
