can we get nightvision for the apartment?
i think i just puked on my phone
we live great lives
Conclusion from last night: Sometimes being classy isn't as fun as making out with a guy on a pooltable in a bar. Happy birthday, Canada.
i made the cop pinkie-promise not to arrest me if i failed the breathalizer.
Talk about the highs and lows of a night out: had a threesome, then got robbed at knifepoint.
she gave me a handjob in the middle of the night and my stomach growled so she walked out totally naked and came back 5 minutes later with two sandwiches. who the fuck says getting married is awful?
Gay TA. Finally going to boost my GPA your way.
Pretty sure I just had sex with the black kid who grew up in a car from "angels in the outfield"
How come I never meet celebrities?
You should make cookies and when I get home we can have a slow motion hug and eat them
How do I tell a friend I drunkenly broke into his house and may have lost his dog
Its like the two hemispheres of my brain are in a death match but are two evenly matched for either side to win kinda drunk.
Balls are being tripped. Said meow to my cat and he said yeah cool dude.
my pupils became my eyes and i slept with a cloth in my mouth again
Excuse me while I download incredibly disturbing porn until I'm more ashamed of myself than of my country.
He can kiss the multicultural 3 some goodbye
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