She kept saying "I didn't do it" but she was so drunk she forgot her pee was orange from her UTI medicine.
I feel like I shouldn't be doing my banking stoned. But I bought a new bowl. Her name is Sharpe. Pronounced Shar-Pay.
he's measuring my pool to see how much jello powder he needs. He got paid today.
You know Im horny if Im walking around in my lingerie and sex robe. It's my field of dreams mentality. If I wear it, he will come.
What's worse: not calling my parents in Dallas to make sure they're alright or not taking shelter to masturbate all over my douchebag roommates clothes?
I worry about you.
As we're eating sushi she goes I just want to get a disease so my mom can take care of me... Great first date
Kristy just reminded me that I have a bottle of champagne to lick off your ass hole...... This is by way of saying that we have plans on Friday.
Get in your clown car, pick up everyone you know, and head to the park. drunk Sledding grand prix tonight. winner takes home the leftover beer
Do you deliver to the black dark pit where I am? I think it's called.... The toilet? Right next to hell...
Roomie questionaires don't ask any of the important questions like "how do you feel about one night stands" and "will you judge me post-walk of shame"
I feel so bad for your roommate
I want to tell everyone I've ever met about how he him picking me up and fucking me against the wall was the highlight of my life. Worst lesbian ever.
I don't want random pictures of your morning wood. It's like, what a glorious morning oh a penis.
Do you think I need to report to HR that the intern and I had butt sex?
Sex in a tree, bucket list CHECK!
I POOPED CONFETTI TOO. Ingested unacceptable amount of it oh my god can I die from this?
Randomize
