I just had to pull over at a starbucks to throw up in the bathroom. They really should not have let me be a lawyer.
oh wait, my morality sensor is a little fucked up since I almost let my little sister's friend blow me.
if creeping was an olympic sport, i would be a lock for the gold right now.
just bought a $25 eighth from a chick who has a kid. i'm helping my community out right?
The maintenance guy at work just asked me out for a drink. For once, I proudly said that I was 20.
Cocaine Wednesdays have to stop turning into no work Thursday
ok so I've decided, new penis Thursday (formally known as new people Thursday) will need to be put on hold next week in preparation for Friday
Memorial weekend is the following week genius. New penis Thursday countdown has already begun.
Thank god crabs can't live on your head. Thank god.
I need you to know that everytime my toddler does the downward facing dog in the nude I think about the night you and your dude fell in love.
All three of us got laid last night. This is what is commonly referred to as the Trifuckta.
Don't take a pillow from my bed. You don't know which ones of them my vagina has been on
Could someone explain to me why there were 40 individually wrapped burritos in the fridge when I woke up this morning?
Yeah I knew you'd like him. He's emotionally and physically self destructive.
We would have so much to talk about!
I’m really regretting these suede pants.
My ex unfollowed me on SPOTIFY bruh. Freaking spotify. The butthurt is real
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