3:38a: you guys up to anything right now?
A girl just told me I should smile because I was surrounded by hot girls. I told her that clearly beauty was in the eye of the beholder. And she slapped me!
i should go to a nude beach and wear just a condom, then ill have tan lines on my dick
why weren't you at the audition last night?
booty call before role call
According to the transitive property, he has now had dick in his mouth.
when she was 9 she got kicked out of our 4-H camp dance for pole dancing on the spirit stick
he was gone before i woke up. left a pee stain, phone number, note and $20 for sheets. safe to say i will not be calling.
Currently in the bathroom stall of a gay bar in new haven giving myself an anti throw up pep talk
The girls danced. I drank. Then I danced cause I was drunk. Then I ripped tim's shirt off cause I'm awesome.
The second time he came it projectile shot in my ear
We were in a spooning position and it shot all the way up. He was like sorry. Physics.
I started singing I believe I can fly in the shower and it was like the first stage of insanity
You know it’s going to be a rough day when you scream “Get fucked” at your alarm clock
I'm so high I have morphed into the monopoly man. Or maybe the Pringles guy. I don't know but I have a mustach now
Fuck you, i'm all jacked up on bananas lets go somewhere
You just sent a mass text asking if anyone ever drank the blood of a goat in the glorious name of Satan...after that we confiscated any writing utensil
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