I wanted to dispute a few 411 charges on my phone bill. The service rep told me I called them four times asking for Lady Gaga's number.
the theme of the baby shower is Nightmare On Prego Street
the girl next to me at the bar JUST looked down at her vagina and said "im going to get you fed". if i come home alone tonight...i give you permission to cut off my penis
Im rolling a blunt of encouragement for you to return to
Talked to Nate, told him he was a douche. Will give details when sober. It's ok. You're my best friend together a wolf pack. Olive juice.
You know it's nice having a girlfriend who will lotion your balls for you
You are the only person I have ever seen offer your other drink to the bouncer on two fors night
Bouncers are people too...giant angry people
I had an epiphany. If a dude dressed up as Batman to ask me out, I'd prolly marry him.
But the sex is so much better when he already has a girlfriend
Someone explain why I'm twerking in my bathroom right now before a charity run
He's all enlightened and liberal. My next beefcake will be much more Neanderthal.
did I ever tell you about my gay jesus theory?
Is 36 too old to fuck a college student? THIS IS BOTH IMPORTANT AND TIME SENSITIVE
lost my vibrator and now I have to masturbate manually. The struggle is fucking real.
But being sober is boring. Everything takes so long, I feel like I'm just waiting in line to die.
Randomize
