A hard boiled egg and a shot of tequila is not brunch.
Somehow I gave him blood blisters on his dick...I don't know if I'm that good or that bad.
Just hooked up with the fireman who put out the quesadilla fiasco last tuesday.
I'm being responsible and going as a gay, slutty Mormon missionary. It's responsible because I'll have a bike helmet on for when I fall over because I'm too shitfaced to stand upright. It's safer than Count Fagula. I just need to come up with a line equal or greater than "Blaaaa I want to suck your dick"
...im seriously confused as to why this doesn't make sense to you. Girl hostage, rob casino. Makes perfect sense.
I told him that his face would look perfect between my legs. One of my most successful strategies yet.
Male strippers are involved. You are coming
Im not coming back to that place until im drunk. If I walk in there sober Ill start screaming uncontrollably. Not words, just sounds.
Why did you not tell me that video snapchats are a thing? This is a fucking game changer for my mobile sex life.
If you set your screensaver to be a slides show, make sure you remove dick pics first. This lesson 1 of living with your great aunt
She broke up with me after I spent the whole day speaking in nothing but Marshawn Lynch quotes.
A million fucking miles away, and the sun still manages to fuck my hungover mornings up.
i don't know when underwear became an acceptable clothing choice for parties, but god help me i hope this isn't a passing trend.
When he pulled out it sounded like a balloon deflating
To describe how high he was he said, " I'm cocked out of my ape sandwich" so yes...that was some pretty good weed.
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