Can I come over?
Can't... I'm at class right now.
No your not
I'm outside by your car.
i knew it was time to break up with him once he pulled out the Halo foreplay costumes
based on the size of her vibrator, i'm going to be a huge disappointment
It didn't get weird until she took off her underwear, looked down, and said "fill her up!"
I have vodka an food stamps. At some point today, that will undoubtedly turn into jello shots.
After you vomited on the patrol car, you thanked the officer for helping you up off the ground. I don't think you realized you were being arrested.
just watched a cripple ollie in his wheelchair to get on to the elevated floor in the bar. I. LOVE. WISCONSIN
I asked the subway guy how many cookies he thought I could smuggle into the bar. He said it looked like a 6 packer. he was correct
Drunk at work, covered in Cheetos is no way to go through life.
I found Cheetos.
Welp, I'm allergic to codeine. Found that one out the hard way.
I jizzed in his mayonnaise and put it back in the fridge. Shouldn't have stolen my weed.
You're a mystery wrapped in an enigma wrapped in a redhead
I had to take on your role as drunk idiot....I have no idea how you do it so well and so regularly. That shit is exhausting.
We kicked down a door together last night, pretty sure that qualifies us as best friends.
Look. All I'm saying is that if the USWNT can win a shit ton of medals and have two gay love stories with happy endings, there's still hope in this world
Randomize
