omg, I know. It's so embarrassing that we've both had his penis in parts of our bodies
Hey a mouth doesn't really count. A vagina counts more.
He gave his mom his old phone, and I am SO paranoid
Did you send adult things?
Um. Yes would be the understatement of the year
How many ice cream sandwiches is an acceptable meal replacement?
2.5
All I'm saying is that whoever owned the wheelchair clearly didn't need it or they wouldn't have been able to leave it there
You walked away saying that you had to pee and you never came back. We found you an hour later in his roommate's bed. Under the covers. Still in your wet bathing suit.
We have a guy passed out in the bathroom with one of our pots. Not sure if he's your friend so I let him be
After 13 tally marks I wrote the number 4,000 and made u sign my arm to prove it.
Umm... How do I tell my roommate someone shot a speargun through the wall? On a side note, cliff shot a speargun for the first time.
The 78 year old woman who works next to me divorced her ex husband, remarried her first husband, and retired all in one day. I'd say it makes your breakup on Valentine's day pretty insignificant.
My mouth feels like it's at the dentist but my body feels like it's at the strip club.
When we were having sex last night, I told him I would replace him with tacos
So I'm getting really old. I feel asleep for a booty call that I initiated. The struggle is real.
I woke up in some kids room and he introduced me to his friends at breakfast as "Monica" so I just went with it.
a guy just skateboarded past my window in a bunny suit while chased by a dog walker
I accidentally brought up how there used to be a big tree in his yard, which I could only have known if I had been Google mapping his house.
Randomize
