You passed out in the bathroom with the door locked. Had to take a shit in your litter box. Don't worry, your cat buried it for me.
Vodka and Eggs at 9:30AM = thank you, America.
Literally just spent 45 minutes converting my paintball gun to shoot condoms....
its like what part of i just threw up mcdonalds breakfast means i want to make out with you?
Nuts. Absolutely nuts. she just screamed in my face something about not knowing whats happening and then got tackled by a dude
Apparently I yelled "no stop it" in my sleep last night when he tried to cuddle with me.
Oops, guess its official. I just use him for sex.
Any day that has a special name thats capitalized means you need to need to call in sick and get day drunk. That's why they are there.
You gotta buy me dinner first. Or smoke me out. Both are equally chivalrous
You insisted that your middle name was "velociraptor" for 20 minutes and every time someone said something you tried to relate it to velociraptors. That kind of drunk.
moral of the story: if your going to mix ambien and free skyclub alcohol, take a direct flight or have a layover in a city you wouldn't mind having to return to for a court date.
Things he's good at: oral sex and geometry. Things he's not good at: actual sex.
I literally woke up walked into the bathroom, threw up and died this morning. Then went to my 8am.
I literally just told you I found out I masturbate in my sleep. I think we can be snapchat friends again
My prof handed me back my essay on Lesbians in literature, gave me an A and then we had sex in her office. Told you she was gay.
Well I thought I saw everything and then I saw Christmas themed poop bags at Petco.
Randomize
