Taylor Swift is so right about you.
she just pulled a hulk hogan to make her point. no idea how it helped
Why does it always end up with me crying in my car.
Got so drunk in South Padre some guy put me on a suitcase trolly and pushed me to my room. I flashed my boobs as a tip.
Yelling back at the people on Jerry springer through the TV, and eventually punching it. Failure of a night.
Okay we're getting vodka and coming
Okay. Joe has my machete attached to his belt
Dude are you wearing a trashbag right now?....
I seemed to have misplaced my pants...
How do I tell your little brother I lost my virginity wearing nothing but his socks?
Formal letter or email.
I should start prefacing bondage with girls saying "I know you've read 50 Shades, but there is a 33% you're gonna freakout and go home, while I jerk it alone"
The last thing I searched on my phone was "leave in conditioner on cats." This is where my life is.
I am stoned at Disneyland with my little brother. It's gonna be a good day.
That's one good thing about being an only child. I can masturbate wherever the fuck I want
She picked me up from the bar in her underwear.
Life achievement unlocked: I just ate a Slim Jim "Lady and the Tramp" style with a guy in a bar.
How many gummy vitamins can I eat before I die
Randomize
