Mr. Last Night just informed me I told him to be very quiet when he left this morning and high-fived him as a goodnight kiss. Drunk me is slutty and manly.
It's a sad day when you have to slightly move your fupa to shave.
Yeah well I just ate cereal out of a muffin pan with a fork. I'll flip a coin as to who has to tackle that pile of dishes we've neglected for 3 weeks.
She was adopted and used to dance at Sapphire. just my speed.
I smelled my fingers after she left and they smelt like sugar cookies. I want that one again.
No, I am not setting up my roomba to clean up puke.
I have a vague memory of you tryin to ride a unicycle through jimmy johns
Don't judge them too harshly for getting kicked out of a strip club. Happens to the best of us.
You are the coolest girlfriend ever.
"Stranger danger aquaman" were the last words i remember. help me.
You're wrong. It's my BIRTHDAY. We all know it's impossible to get pregnant on my diva day!
Well. I guess talking about me stealing your wife may not be in the list of legit conversations
Curdled. you forgot that word. It was a curdled buttery nipple shot.
Haha I'M GOING TO MISS HIS PENIS SO MUCH. But not his bipolarness.
3.5 bazillion penises. So not that hard to find a new good one
6 hours ago I jacked off a a guy for $100. I explained it away as "compensation" for gas and tolls. WHAT am I doing with my life? Quickest and easiest $100 I ever made though, haha
i was sitting on the kitchen floor shaking my gallon of vodka at people and asking if they wanted to climb the heaven hill... getting dumped is the best thing that has ever happend to me
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