There is a girl getting fingered on my left, a middle aged drink man smoking a bong and two girls flashing the cameras in front of me. I'm in the middle trying to maintain my innocence.
When your really high you cant order into a clowns mouth
I got a handjob from a sober married woman in a parking lot in the middle of the day, yet you still cant manage to get laid by a drunk single slut at the bar at 1am. Wtf
sometimes i think what itd be like to be a firework
if you wouldnt have been fucking me hard and crazy like that then my bed wouldn't have broke. you owe me 600.
so you admit it was good then??
I wonder if she thought to herself "I'm gonna sleep with that guy tonight" when she watched me puke on the bar at 3 in the afternoon?
I'm drinking and throwing an enormous tennis ball at children. I couldn't be happier.
and he should realize what an amazing ex i am for encouraging my best friend to hook up with him
I'm so high I would give anything in the world to be inside my lava lamp right now
The one with glasses said he was keeping my bra. He had me sign it before he left and he said he would be hanging it up in his bunker. I support our troops.
Why does my therapist keep calling when I jerk off?
How long have I been using my debit card as a coaster?
for some reason leaving your socks onmakes it less meaningful.
I just set an alarm for 5 am tomorrow morning titled "Wake and Bake Its Christmas motherfucker"
I need to just embrace dildos and cats and call it a life.
Randomize
