Life lesson: if you fart while talking to a girl outside, the smell does not dissipate, it just lingers around mocking you
So i just got diagnosed with swine flu. im at walgreens looking like shit and this guy keeps staring at me. Im so gonna cough in his face.
well, dont
I didnt. i just coughed then looked at him menacingly. he got it.
she's bipolar. she literally has TWO facebook pages. one for each personality. this. bitch. is. crazy.
I woke him up and he was mumbling something about it being moist, or he peed himself but it was okay.
You just sat there and yelled "I JUST WANT TO RUB MY NIPPLES"
Done deal I'm dying it right at this moment. I'll need a red Speedo and a half shirt that is extremely tight. Like nipple tight.
Anywho, an ostrich attacked me today. Fucking useless pieces of shit birds.
Just took a shower for the sole purpose of getting off without using my hands... I've reached a new level of summer-lazy.
College has done two things for me. Given me the confidence to blow my nose in public and shit in public
If you get laid dressed as my dad that makes me extremely uncomfortable
Is there ever a non-asshole time to play the "I was a child prodigy" card?
Well, the night started out with you ALMOST falling out of a tree. Then we went back to the tree after about 9 shots and you DID fall out of the tree.
Wait. How did I get engaged last night?
You're lucky I just like fucking you because you would really suck at being a boyfriend.
The smell of pee and coconut conditioner still makes me think of him
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