That cute girl I hooked up with last night clawed my back to hell and gave me a hickey. I look like a white trash warewolf victim
So, I just pissed in her shampoo bottle. Hope she enjoys a late golden shower from me.
I brought red and green boonsfarm to the white elephant party. classy and festive. I think this is what people are referring to when they talk about killing two birds with one stone.
Hypothetical question: If I threw up in the dishwasher do I clean it up or just turn it on? :(
You know you're hung over when your pose in art class is lying face down on the platform
through my window right now you can see the hot chick next door is standing BUTT ASS NAKED eating peanut butter off a knife.
ill be there in 5.
I just recycled a years worth of liquor bottles. I can feel my alcoholic carbon footprint shrinking
We asked an illegal alien to buy us beer. He didn't even want a tip. I'm going to Washington to plead that case.
My mom is wine drunk and on painkillers. As invigorating as that conversation was, it was also a dark glimpse into my future
you were caressing the jar of pickles then you looked down and whispered to them "I want you inside me"
The problem with having a roommate is that you are forced to answer the age old question "Are you okay?"
she is like a cock bee. instead of going from flower to flower she goes from cock to cock
I think my pickup truck has been used for the sex... This doesn't sit right with me.
found a note from drunk me saying "don't worry i fed the mice". WHAT MICE?
Can I borrow a thong? I’m having drinks with a cute boy tonight and I’m out of clean underwear
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