Just saw some guy walking down the street rapping about various types of pasta.
I didn't know how to tell her I was too busy getting stoned and making a baked potato to meet up and finish our group project.
we bribed her with croutons and jello shots.
You fucked everything up-can't pass a cleared kitchen table without getting hard
It's stupid hot. I just want to be laying in a bathtub full of margaritas
Fell asleep in the library, woke up because I almost let out a sleep fart. That was close.
I want a bottle of whiskey to be dropped at my doorstep like a stork drops babies when they are delivered to their parents.
God what have you done to be that much in need of alcohol.
Me WANTS my preciousssssssssss
I put on slutty clothes under my normal clothes, im like fucking super slutwoman
Best superhero ever to exist
he just kept repeating "those were some pretty nipple-y tits" over and over the rest of the night
Just participated in the saddest thing: Cheetos. Handjob. I have lost at life
I just need to drink whiskey get off and eat some cheese. Why is that so fucking hard for god to deliver.
Can't tell if waking up covered in easy mac is the sign of an amazing or terrible night
Thank god I work in a lab. This pinkeye is out of control and my safety glasses are the only thing stopping me from digging at my eye with a pen
I'm so drunk I forgot what to do to go pee.
No, it's okay that he's on a date. I attach no more emotion to him than I do my vibrator.
Randomize
