Like worst hickies ever he always gives them like wtf
I called the bar to ask if they found my Id and credit card and they remembered me as 'the girl who signed her receipt in blood'
Lesbian chick is doing her presentation on the time she woke up on the dockside still drunk at 7 am. This is why I show up to chinese class.
He managed to get his pants on, so the cop just sat there facing us with his lights shining in the car. I made shadow puppets.
This is going to be BYOBM Vegas trip: Bring Your Own Bail Money.
What did he say? I couldn't hear him over the sound of how awesome his beard is.
Travis is back on this booty and burgers thing. If I'm his delivery service for food he better fuck me how I want.
I need a Jamo leash. Just tie it to my wrist and every time you see me reaching for a shot of it, just yank my hand away
You know how the doctor said I need to stop being vegan unless I find a way to get more protein? There's protein in beer. The doctor wants me to drink more beer.
for the record, you never really realize how drunk you still are until you get on rollerskates...
I'm cool with a hey old buddy how have you been want to fuck me in the butt kind of thing
Ways to ruin a one night stand: the guy finds your parenting magazine on your dorm room desk.
We walked in and someone handed her an unopened bottle of jack with her name on it. She's like a drunken celebrity.
just because i'm not a monk anymore doesn't mean I need to tell you about my new sex life.
which is fantastic by the way.
havent showered in 2 days. just Febrezed my balls in the car before going into a movie alone with a 40 of Guinness.there isn't a word in English for how single I am.
Randomize
