tfor prom could you pick me up wo bottles of champagne and a condom, please?
My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.
Should I tell her she gave me head in the kitchen while I was eating a cupcake or would that hurt her dignity too much?
slow down on the beer.. we don't need another pentabong projectile hot dog incident
My dad caught me fucking in the pool last night. He proceeded to tell me I needed to "quiet things down" while this guys dick was still in me. Worst daughter ever.
There are fucking limits. Jerking another guy off in the bar toes the line.
I think this hangover is going to kill me. If it succeeds I would like you to read a dramatic rendition of 'Trapped in the closet' complete with interpretative dance at my funeral.
nothing like a walk of shame in front of a cnn news crew to start the morning off right
I bet my lungs hate me more than my liver
That's a hard toss up
Sweet tea and masterbation. It's how I manage.
See? I told you no boy in roller skates could be entirely straight.
Just made a bong out of a pineapple. So yes.. And champagne is about to be popped
Went to put my shoe on and asked myself why I left a sock in it. I didn't. Needless to say I found our used condom.
Sorry I missed your call earlier. I was getting high with my high school band teacher.
sometimes u just gotta ride a dildo and forget about life
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