why did i save someone in my phone as corn dildo?
Life lesson #57: drinking whisky out of apples leads to threesomes.
Dude you need to stop whoring out my boobs. They are for emergencies only.
Covered in gravy. Never pour gravy while drinking.
Btw. Made out with a random kid at a frat. It's all good though. He invited us to his frat party tomorrow so yay! For having plans!
can I share that I'd like to fuck him in my new car as a sort of car warming present to myself?
There is someone hissing in the hallway. Not even a typo. Not pissing. Hissing. Like a large cat. Or a komodo dragon.
All I can think of is a mama duck followed by her baby ducks, in brightly colored track shoes.
How high are you?
I just hope the day something happens to me my phone just dies, like literally died and will never turn on ever again. I feel like God owes me that much.
2 six inch heels, 3 big sangrias, no broken legs
ALSO I MAYBE ACCIDENTALLY HAND CUFFED MYSELF TO A CHAIR
how do you politely tell someone their toddler looks alarmingly similar to the berries and cream guy
I already plan to donate my brain to science so they can attempt to fully understand the complexities of my existence
dude, you ran into a window then asked ME what the fuck I was doing.
Dude they are making elephants out of dollar bills. I'm way too high for this
Randomize
