it was like getting a handjob from mrs. butterworth
boyfriend # 1 is in the bathroom and boyfriend # 2 is ringing the doorbell need back up this is not a drill i repeat this is not a drill
my bedside table was not meant to hold this many beer bottles.
my dad's beating me at drinking again. No matter what i do I can't win.
She said she was an education major and you replied with "oh I'm taking a semester off too". And we never saw her again...
It was scary, we all screamed. Never make mimosas in a car.
Yeah I had to push her down the hallway to the hotel room in a luggage carrier. The guy at the desk told me goodluck
answered a 6 am booty call this morning...you were still in the er so I thought what the hell
Trust me at the end of the night there will be queso smothered places you didn't think it could be smothered
Some clips from last night: grinded like I haven't since college. Took shots with a bartender with a bad ass mustache. Made up a string of lies with fake names and occupations. Slept behind the couch with pizza in my hand
I'll have to text you later. Trying to have civilized conversations with the boyfriends parents when I'm 100% aware I just blew their son in the bathroom 5 mins ago. Stay tuned.
His constant posting of "inspirational" Taylor Swift quotes over the past 3 days has me a little worried. It's like, holy shit dude, you're almost 30.
i need to start buying Plan B in bulk and leaving them at the door. I'm really sick of walking to CVS with my one-nighters
Dude. I don't even want cuddles. I just want an acknowledgement that I just had balls in my mouth.
I feel I should send an apology letter to my anesthesiologist.
Randomize
