3 of us had 22 margaritas. Hellllllo yellow cab. Goodbye morals.
I hope you get used to having plenty of sperm because you're never gonna get any.
If he doesn't notice me by the next party, i'm just gonna go up to him and pll his pants down and blow him.
Sounds like a plan.
My number went up to seventeen today. I forgot to add my random hookup on a sailboat.
on the bus. saw a kid get off at a red light, puke on the sidewalk, and get back on.
I distinctly recall there being a "I can't be dead 2maro" stipulation to going out last night. There's been a breech of contract
Is there a non-awkward way to tell a girl I work with that she looks just like my favourite pornstar?
When you get up and look at yourself in the mirror, don't be alarmed. The doctor assured us last night that it looked way worse than it actually was and there won't be a scar when the stitches come out
If you put those two in a room together it'd be like a Taylor Swift fantasy and an Adele nightmare just licking faces
As long as you keep bringing fries home, i'll keep being naked when you get home
We ate sushi in a hospital bed, then fucked in a bathroom while I wore a gown. Pretty sure she's the one
We were on the beach when you spilled sand in the bottle and said "relax it's vodka, it'll disinfect itself"
Fuck him and his perfect arms, huge penis and relentless ability to ignore me.
I just got dumped by my fuck buddy. Now I have to have sex with my husband.
why the hell are you crying over taco bell?
Randomize
