I'm at McDonalds and when I walked up to the register the guy said "I'm so sorry." Before I said a word. That's how bad my hangover is.
She uses my penis to point at the tv when we talk about the shows. I love her
i put his shirt in a ziplock bag to preserve his smell
please tell me you are kidding me
with all this snow coming, and no school, I figure why not try every possible liquor snowcone.
I think that's the first time I've heard someone say "this is the safest way of doing things" while holding half a gallon of jagermeister
You were laying in bed whispering and crying to the half eaten burrito saying "why am I shitting so much" and "what did I do to deserve this"
I don't remember but we shouldn't have a problem. Unless drunk you encouraged drunk me not to wear a condom.
I think we have a problem.
Why is there uncooked bacon under my bed?
You insisted on taking it to bed with you. You grabbed it out of the fridge while mumbling "If I leave this out, you fuckers are just going to ruin it."
Ohh man. That was a snatch-waxer with a score to settle.
The world is a different place when I'm actually having sex
I was supremely disappointed in the lack of dick and doughnuts in my life last week.
I pack a first-aid kit when I DD for you. What does that tell you about your partying? For what I see and do, paying my food and gas for the night is a goddamn BARGAIN.
TJ is going to paint me in a Patriots Jersey he can paint you in an eagle jersey. Did this last year and got so much dick.
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
Remember that pair of super cute shorts I pooped in? I miss those 😔
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