I accidentally threw away from slim jim and some lady saw me dig it out of the garbage. It was unopened but still, I look so homeless.
Penelope Cruz needs to learn American words.
you were sitting on my toliet with a double cheesburger in your hand asking me how the cheeseburger even got there.
it's ok. you also told me I can feel free to vomit on your blow dryer sometime.
That's the point of day drinking, get fucked up by 6pm so you can get stuff done the next day. It's the adult thing to do.
But in the grand scheme of things, "should i bang a hot roommate or a sexy giant" is really not a bad lot in life
I took so my adderall all I can do is lie on my floor and stare too hard at my hedgehog. He has 42 spines in the dark spot on his shoulder btw.
Can someone please explain where the fish in the mason jar came from when we were at a bar all night?
You told the bartender if he gave you one of the fish you'd go away
If this were a real emergency kilted men wielding claymores and riding giant badgers would hve rescued said Guinness. So clearly this is just a hypothetical
I'm about to play another round of who's panties are in my car.
As I took my shirt off he commented on how great my boobs where. I responded with "thanks, I grew them myself"
We walking to the game and some random guy came up to to me and yelled "hey you're the whiskey guy!" And then high fived me then walked away
Is it day drinking when the suns up like when does that start
asking for a friend
I passed out with the lights and tv on woke up at 4am SO confused and covered in goldfish so I ate them and went back to bed.. fuck xanax
I can't come. It's so cold my uterine walls have frozen together like a cherry popsicle.
Randomize
