Do you think there's anyone left in this world that hasn't masturbated in a computer chair?
I told her I was pledging and she immediately proposed to give me head in the bathroom. i love how easy rushees are
Question: Is it too early to claim April Fools on the text "can we do some lines before the concert" that I accidentally sent Mom?
maybe if i keep dancing i won't throw up
His dad asked what he was doing so he texted his FATHER a picture of me wearing his shirt in his bed.
I'm mumbling to people and trying not to accidentally shit my pants
Thank you for making it possible for me to get laid while having peace of mind my dog is well taken care of.
The whole time we were fucking I kept thinking, "My dad would love this cologne. I'll have to ask him where he got it." the highlight of the night is that I figured out my dad's birthday gift.
I was drunk and gave him my dad's phone number instead because somehow I thought that'd be funny. Man did that fucking backfire
The thing about being single is like Sunday morning sex is nice but so is Sunday morning eating Nutella from the jar in your underwear
taking shots alone in my kitchen before I go learn to give a lapdance. when did this become my life?
This guy needs to stop asking about my feet
Somehow my boobs came up in conversation AGAIN last night and I'm still not getting laid...
I am just High Enough to train A-Team of bodybuilding squirrels MMA techniques to tear you asunder. And it's not that I want to is just don't you make me do it!
You spilled your drink, and we laughed so hard my boobs popped out of my shirt.
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