You ever start fucking a girl and realize she kinda looks like your mom?
I thought Christmas was going to come before I did
my desire to fuck abstract ideas (bravery, love, popsicls,,) increases by 8bajillion% when I'm high
We're the only two others left at work. My internal monologue is going: TAKE ME. TAKE ME NOWW. ON THE COUNTER. IN FRONT OF THE MANAGER. JUST TAKE MEEE
we spent fifteen minutes trying to convince you that you weren't locked inside of your car
My grandpa is giving me detailed instructions on how to fight a second floor bedroom fire from a ladder on the out side. Just in case
Sending a dick pic with a 2010 time stamp on it is violation of proper sexting etiquette
GO AHEAD, BITCH, GLARE AT MY WAFFLE ONE MORE TIME. I WILL FUCK YOU UP.
He told me I was his first American. I feel like I should've brought a flag to plant on him.
What we have is to special to throw away over a woman who spreads her butt cheeks on a pool table for me...
If by "Are you high?" u mean "Did you just pass out at Genghis Grill walking to your table and falceplant?" the answer is yes.
all i've had to eat today is leftover bday cake and a shot of tequila.
welcome to college.
I'm debating a nap but also debating breaking into the liquor cabinet
I taught three men with PhDs how to make a gravity bong last night. I love academia.
if wiping your ass w an envelope isnt the definition of hitting "financial rock bottom " then nothing is!
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