I was so drunk last night, I had to Wikipedia what i did.
every time I worry about a career mistake, I remember Michelle Pfeiffer did Grease 2.
You realize we can hear you jacking off in your room, right?
I like it rough
Just had a nice conversation with my landlord while cleaning your puke off my car
Seriously. He was just sitting there naked in the dark with a boner pissed that I came home late.
I found you laying in the kitchen with a bottle of vodka and a slice of bologna on your face. You said you were having a spa day.
I just got into the cab. It smells like weed and the driver looks like someone who may or may not be really talented at playing the saxophone. He also asked me my thoughts on porn when I told him I'm an actor. I might not make it home.
(This is the second time ive been high enough to decide to run for office)
I had a dream I gave a blow job to a guy whose dick forked off into two. I'm going to spend the rest of my life confused.
Apparently I send drunk snapchats a lot and they always have random dudes in them. Like one night it was just me and some guy I don't know sitting on my couch.
I should have listened to my dad and mean girls... If you have sex you'll get pregnant and die.
I'm just going to ride dicks all the way to the to the gates of hell
Sleeping with him wouldn't be considered hoeing out... It seems more like babysitting.
IT'S FUCKING BABY SEASON ON FACEBOOK. MY VAGINA WANTS TO THROW UP
what did we do after we left your crib?
you layed down in some rocks for about an hour, you stole some pumpkins, you passed out and started shaking, we got t-bell, we took you back to the dorm.
Randomize
