Highlight of the day: realizing the man in the car next to mine was getting road head... at 2:45pm... nicely done sir, nicely done.
I JUST WANT TO WATCH PORN BUT THE CAT IS JUST SITTING HERE LICKING HIS BALLS. I CAN'T DO IT.
i want to find a way to basically assault his face with my vagina.
Good idea. You gotta take care of your vagina. She takes care of you. Pay it forward.
On the way home she put on a necklace with her name on it and wrote my name in sharpie across my chest so that in the morning we could avoid the awkward Idk who the fuck you are conversation. Best. Girl. Ever.
Drunk puking in my bathtub has plugged it up for the third time this year. I hate these calls to my landlord.
We're like Siamese twins, but joined at the genitals.
You gave your boss a bj to get the safe employee of the month award?
Fuck. I have to get my shit together by lunch. Mission impossible.
He ate the contents of an ashtray and didn't puke, I think he can handle drinking a fifth to himself.
I "liked" his changed relationship status just to show him I'm ok with the fact he found someone not as pretty as me
You blacked out at 9:30 and insisted on sleeping in the hallway after you chugged an entire pitcher of beer. I guess the Jell-O shots were stronger than we thought...
Like when I see him I look straight through his appearance and just envision a big walking penis.
I checked her ID this morning. Lets just say...she's older than my mom
I just had a 10 minute staring contest with my dog. Can you come over?
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