I need to just get drunk and eat a pot pie.
So explain to me again how you wake up next to a Brazilian model and I wake up next to a turkey sub? And a jar of grey poupon.
I bruised his dick. I bruised his dick WITH MY MOUTH!! I've never felt more accomplished.
shes 19, drunk and said she has no gag reflex. im trying to decide if i have scruples
you dont
i dont
You texted me 'I am the leopard prince', with a series of pictures of you posing in what seemed like cat poses. you were not "a little bit" drunk dude..
ITS A JAGER BOTTLE. NOTHING CAN BE BAD IF ITS JAGER RELATED.
I've reached the gravitational age where it's very hard to get my face and my boobs in the same shot without some kind of yoga involved .
FYI, announcing your arrival at jail with "Hi,yes, I'm checking in? I believe I've reserved a bed, a 2 night stay this weekend?" is, in fact, frowned upon
What the hell do you have that is more important than a GIANT WATER SLIDE?
Come back. Shots need mouths.
Like, I can't stand that bitch, but i genuinely hope she gets the help she needs
And now to play every stoner's favorite game: Where the Fuck Did We Park the Car?! Disneyland Edition!
That last one reminds me of the time we smoked that foot-long joint and by the time we'd finished we were so stoned we applauded it.
...is this motivational speaking, or sexting? It's getting hard to tell.
He ain't mine yet. Gotta have a third date before I pee on him and mark territory.
Oh. Wait. That happened on the second date.
Randomize
