I gave up sex with dolphins for you.
I was so scared, I actually heard my grandmother's voice in my head saying if I get pregnant, then my vagina will fall off. And then I'm going to die.
What do you want me to say to her? "Oh hey, I need to borrow your soon to be husband to make a porn, cool?"
I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever
I am a terrible person. This is almost as bad as when I was going to see my ex while my boyfriend was at that funeral.
I think i morst likely have 95 %patulas for hands and probably i also went to eGypt with so manyfriends. We laids in the sarcaphoguses.
You sound pretty unsure about all of this.
Somewhere between the 30 minutes of cunnilingus, the improvised song about the Olympics, and the super thoughtful shower beer... I knew I married the right guy
Nothing says casual like stairwell bjs
Start warming up your vocal cords, because Fucking With The Windows Open season has arrived.
I AM VODKA MAN
I have the WORST cramps EVER. I think this is gods way of saying 'you're welcome, last warning. stop being a slut.'
that pic of me and the hulking football player sure does come in handy when creepy guys hit on me at the bar.
You said you couldn't use your body anymore so you made me push the buttons on your phone while you made alien sound effects
How do you tell a woman that you are seeing that the scars on your back are from her awesome-in-bed little sister?
I think my moral compass just broke
Randomize
