**** and his GF asked me to give his stuff back, and they would give me a 100. HA, they dont know I have it to charity haha
I just woke up and realized I puked in my boxers WTF.
You stay classy.
The worst part was I forgot until I tried to put them on.
So the waitress at the Chinese Buffet totally just said "Adios" to a Hispanic couple. There's something you don't see every day.
I still love him regardless of his misguided forays into heterosexuality
So watch family guy till our brains melt and then bang till our bodies hurt?
The police report said that there were 25 cases of bud light, two hookers fighting in the street, 13 cop cars, and two road blocks, a kid got tazered, another got maced, and over a hundred people in the house
So that means its a bad thing that your dad found it huh?
Be proud. You give fat lesbians everywhere shower-nozzle worthy material for weeks on end.
You asked me to text you at 11 and remind you that he's 33. It's 11:20. He's 33.
you're too late. he has eggnog and whiskey and all seven seasons of buffy. I shan't be coming home tonight
My parents worry about me having parties when they go on vacation. Umm no it just means I'm drinking and smoking alone on the first floor of the house instead of the second
Hashtag Pathetic
He's ruined me. Do you know how frustrating it is to know I'll never find another guy as tall and handsome and rich with as big of lips & booty, and cock as him who also rims and takes me on tropical vacations and buys me all the cocaine.
I'm a terrible person when I drink. I went from fine to not making any sense and yelling about cheese in like 30 seconds.
The brides mom put a 6 year old in charge of me to make sure I don’t get too drunk before the wedding
I NEED HELP. IM TRIPPIN BAWLS IN THE BACK OF MY MOMS CAR.
Please come pick up your twin. She's tap dancing in her underwear and that's not how you want yourself represented.
Is it wrong to want to use the Dark Web to buy Vyvance for legitimate purposes?
Randomize