Will you still be my friend if I read and enjoyed Twilight?
No
The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
1. I feel like Jello 2. The girl i hooked up with last night isn't here and a different girl is lying next to me. 3. I have no clothes on 4. Can guys go on walks of shame?
You should really come over right now. There's hot construction workers across the street. I'm gonna go pour beer on myself in a bikini on the sidewalk. See you in 5?
Just passed a Taco Bell Taco Supreme, still in its wrapper, laying in the grass. I'd like a moment of silence.
May it rest in peace.
You should get with him and swear you have to use lambskin condoms. That'll test his veganism.
I don't know if you remember, but I was only wearing an afghan.
Hey, can you come over and kill me real quick
Ive seen his manscaping faults. Given the choice I'd rather dry hump a cactus
I'm scared to see what happens if we keep winning like this. I don't think there enough livers for every one after the season is over.
its just been over 12 hours, and i`m dying, don`t know how i`m supposed to survive the holidays sexless
Came back with a random sweatshirt, an American flag, and a for sale sign. Mission success?
What! You have to go to class. Otherwise, you're wasting money that could have been spent on weed. Gotta get that shit in perspective.
it was one of those unspoken contracts of silence like "I teach your daughter and you work at a strip club"...I don't tell if you don't
She dropped the call after she told me she doesn't want to hear about how loud he can scream.
Randomize
