I wish I could punch you in the face.
She was hit by a car at 47 mph and lived. That explains everything.
sounds like you fell off the wagon.
fuck falling off. at this point, the wagon is a dot on the horizon.
I really should sober up and deal with this hangover
It seems to be one of those life decisions I'm perfectly content never making though
We were confused who drove until we went outside and her cupholders were torn out of the dash and laying on the ground
I'm not sure which one did it but one of them fucked the kink out of my neck
She was eating whipped cream out of a plunger at 3 am in the morning. Yet somehow she still had an elegance about her.
Remember when I referred to my box of wine as my briefcase and made all of those stupid jokes about working overtime? Thanks for ignoring my cry for help.
And I just had to awkwardly tell 3 police officers that I was having sex and not in any trouble
Make the kitchen floor stop waving. Im trying to lay on it
I tried to have sex on someone's sisters horse last night
George disappeared two hours ago with a stripper named "delicious." Haven't seen him since
when i woke up with 300+ messages I didn't except them to be about coyotes and burning shoes.
yes, i'm a douce. but i'm a high quality douche.
He set the tone in the back of his car by blasting Marvin Gaye's sexual healing before railing me
Randomize