I dont have enough money in my bank account to buy a pregnancy test. this wouldnt be the first time ive had to steal one either...
when i was ordering pizza, the guy muffled the phone but i could clearly hear him say "its that drunk bitch again"
i caught the condom in my mouth.. dont ask me how
You Were screaming "Im trying to get it in" and "stop cock blocking" while i threw you in the car
Passed out in a rocking chair on her porch. Woke up to the tow truck taking away my car.
His response today determines what state my vagina will be in this weekend.
Makes Sense, i generally dont want the same person two days in a row. Its like what i pick for supper, i like variety
I think they were making kool-aid in my bed. There is lots of sugar and my hands and face are stained blue.
I am 100% planning on being drunk on Wednesday. This is America. Work or no work.
the dj asked me quote "are you sure you're sober enough to do this?" And I grabbed the mic from him and said "ill fucking show you sober- HIT IT". I also dropped the mic at the end so he had to come around and pick it up
Shania Twain would have been proud
Before you jump in that vagina remember there's a reason we call her Infectonator.
I have a 8 minute video of a fish tank on my phone.
We need to stop going to pet stores high.
On a serious note, don't let me forget to tell you about firecracker baseball. I'm glad I have my fingers. I had to count them.
I'm sober now, I ate a whole cantaloupe.
Let me know if you need some dick this weekend.
Between the BF being in town, partying at the Side Dick’s house tonight and two Tinder dates tomorrow I’ve got dick to spare!!
Randomize
