she tasted like a mixture of sweat and destiny
I'm so excited for this wedding, I feel like a school girl about to get finger launched on the dance floor at the sadie hawkins dance
im at planned parenthood. the form wants to know what our usual form of contraception is?
anal.
This morning I proved to myself and all the kids on the playground that I can't puke and drive.
There was no way out of it, seeing as I left my photo ID right next to the vomit.
turkey basters and jungle juice, is that really the whole shopping list for new year's?
Why are you speaking in third person?
Because I'm so hungover that I don't even want to be myself anymore.
It's probably because the lack of alcohol in your stomach. Alcohol kills bacteria. I am a doctor. Trust me
If your plan is to re-bang every girl you banged in high school - you're gonna need a spread sheet and clip board.
When i sexted him a pic of my boobs I was worried he was going to notice the dorito crumbs and know I was just eating topless
What am I supposed to say? "Hi new uncle in law once I tried cocaine in Mexico and every once in a while i motorboat strangers. so happy to be a part of your family"
Also I think I realized when my life started to turn into shambles.. The day I took my high school senior picture WITH A HICKEY ON MY NECK
Too stoned. Randomly can't get the image of Emilio estevez's smiling face out of my head. What is life.
this is honestly why we're friends. we drink tea and plan to do drugs together.
As much as I want you to bang someone other than me, he is an asshole.
Randomize
