I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
This soccer player girl is eating this banana WAY to slow. Too early for penis shaped foods.
There is NOTHING better than watching a child being chased by an ostrich.
i realized boys travel in groups of 3's and girls travel in 4's..thats why it gets so tricky
like hot dogs and buns.
the only good thing about breaking up with him while naked was that i got to make a forgetting sarah marshall reference
So he was supposed to be helping me with my math but instead we ended up drinking coconut rum in his basement and having sex. I think my mom was right, getting a tutor will be good for me. Relieves the stress.
Honestly I think at this point I purposefully schedule nothing on Sundays anymore so I can spend all day wallowing in my shame.
Trying to convince myself that everyone keeps staring at me because I'm pretty and not because of my hickies.
Whenever we go out my brain flips on autopilot, straight to blackout.
Great. I will show up in your office wearing only oven mitts later today.
Just remember, it's never too late to make a porno
I did something very bad. More specifically, my boss.
I'm not going out, it's sweat pants and gallon vodka night at my place and I'm the only one on the guest list.
This is because you lost at fooseball isn't it?
When campus security rolled up he stole their car and drove it like 100 feet. Then he walked up and gave back the keys because it was a hyundai.
I need to get laid. Right now that freshman frat pledge & my Econ professor are the leading candidates
That’s quite a spread
Randomize
