Dude I just masturbated laying underneath my Christmas tree. Apparently all I want for Christmas is to get laid.
You rolled out of the car, got on all fours and puked then just nonchalantly stood up and waved goodbye and thanks for the ride.
i woke up to the sound of my dad getting blown. this is my life
that girl from work that wants to bone me just said 'the last time i went this long without sex was in jail'. sup, red flag
I've come to the conclusion while folding laundry and watching porn that I may be dead inside.
I don't think it counts as a walk of shame when it's someone you've wanted for 4 years. That's mission accomplished.
Just got walked in on while fucking in the lounge in the performing arts building. The janitors gave us five minutes to leave and applauded our exit
Neat. I'm thinking about growing a handlebar muffstache. What are your thoughts on this?
The doctor that gave me my std test is trying to hook me up with her daughter lol
I just want to have normal problems like what kind of puppy to get, or should I pay a hooker to fuck Scott, or even a dilemma about fucking Twizzlers. I don't know.
Uh do you have my pants because I have yours
Update - might be back in your neighbor's good graces. She liked the framed photo I gave her of me on the tractor with my business out.
I think I sold my soul to a dominatrix last night.
Cocaine and dance dance revolution for 4 hours. I consider last night a success.
She thought I was dancing but I just couldn't catch my balance for 11 blocks.
Randomize
