Remember that dream I told you about where I shit out my own skeleton? I had it again last night.
Her hair smelled like a rat dipped in mustard on fire
We Started drinking at 8am and left the bar around 11pm....I hate ALL green things
Just got a lecture from Dad about how I need to be more responsible and start buying my weed in larger quantities so that i can save money. Like he was serious and kind of disappointed in me for not adapting to his method earlier.
I went outside for a smoke at 4 and things seemed normal. It's 6 now and the front lawn is COVERED in tortilla chips. WTF?
He graduated with honors. I've seen him kneeboard on dry ground and run a razor scooter into a wall...anyone can graduate with honors
that's why you don't digest questionable powders from girls wearing tutus at a dirty club
That's cause you yelled across the parking lot you wanted to eat her out
Freshmen girls are like potato chips you can't have just one.
I want to buy her liposuction. And a spot on What Not To Wear. And a face transplant.
Am I supposed to confront my 52-year-old boss/mother of 3 about the fact that we matched on Tinder?
I JUST SAW MY THERAPIST OUTSIDE OF WORK AND I DONT KNOW THE ADULT THING TO DO
so... i have a picture of you and three other girls making kissy faces at this giant stuffed banana you're holding. however, you seem to be violently screaming at it.
Those bitches did NOT have my back.
Pretty penis doesn't make up for awkward eye contact.
Lesson Learned: It's not a party until someone pisses their pants.
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