Answer the phone when I call you in a second. Just got pulled over for getting road head, going to secretly put you on speaker phone, this should be good
Ryan Reynolds porn could be a WMD. Have a giant TV on the front of your tank, and just drive around playing it. Everyone dies of orgasm overload.
That's it. Iraq is done. Everyone dies, game over man.
my vagina's been through so much this weekend
you mean so much has been through your vagina this weekend?
you're the only person i know to use "jizz" and "cute" in the same sentence.
She fucked me for a ride to the airport. If this is what the rest of college is like, I'm never graduating.
you're my knight in shining pee-resistant armor
And apparently midway I said "hurry up and finish so we can talk about what a bad idea this was"
You told the cop FUCK YOU AND YOUR TASER, i dont think he appricaited that
What shitty, shitty thing could you possibly tell me that doesnt top the fact that i got hammered and showed everyone i could shit while running
So he drunk messaged me last night telling me he wants a baby. Think I should call his bluff?
Texas awaits me. And all the cocks that live there too.
No matter how many miles separate us, I will always be here to get you through whiskey shots.
What's the best way to tell someone that I accidentally wound up in a gay harem?
Is there such thing as dick sucking teeth guards?
I had a dream that we had an entire sofa made out of cocaine.
Randomize
