So I just opened the bag you gave me and those panties aren't mine...
oh
Is she bent over a couch yet or did daylight savings time throw off her usual schedule?
He told me his mother taught him that move. What the hell do I say to that?
Well, i'm not sure how that works so i wish both you and your vagina luck on your voyage.
Dont forget about the tuna sandwich behind your TV
She showed up to the party with a live octopus and a 30 pack that was already half gone
She passed out on the kitchen table with two mickeys forties duct taped to her hands. Clearly she is going to fit perfectly in your house this semester
Worrying about "What smells like cat pee?" is so much easier than worrying about "What am I doing with my life?"
He accidentally opened the car door during sex and all the lights came on. Needless to say, that kid passing by who was walking his dog got scarred for life.
I slid a quarter down a drunk man's butt crack last night. Qdoba gets rowdy
I've been continuously high for the last 48 hours, and just broke my 4th vibrator. Coincidence? FIND ME A MAN I BEG OF YOU.
Hey guys.. So I accidentally broke the front door last night
I realized just how much my daughter is MINE when I heard her tell someone "Go shit yourself" yesterday.
I've been drunk texting you for weeks, and you watched me puke outside your house... I say it's time we meet in person.
I'm having to shit out rocks
Randomize
