My nephew just came out playing with my moms vibrator.
friends don't let friends hook up with gingers.
Ya! She had a north face on tho so she was a classy hooker.
And i generally try not to roofie people when I'm in a committed relationship.
Just found out Brianna Frost the Pornstar goes to my school. Makes that $35,000 tuition that more valuable.
I sat alone in Buffalo Wild Wings eating chocolate cake on Country Western karoake night. The waiter asked me if I was ok. Twice.
So then she just shoved applesauces in her pocket and started talking about she needed to find her friends.
you didn't get her number why?
She just shoved like three McNuggets in her mouth and started sobbing and I have no idea what's going on.
I taped a pair of scissors and a coupon for a waxing on the door. He gets to choose.
did you know the cops in wilco have clean up kits in their cars for when people puke in them? i found this out this morning. i'm finishing paperwork now. come get me plz?
I just took what could be the most awkward shit in my life, which considering my definition of awkward and my experiences shitting, is pretty fucking awkward.
...
I was sitting there doing my business and the guy in the stall next to me banged on the stall and asked me how to spell picnic because he wasn't sure.
Just want to let you know thanks for setting the bar pretty low when it comes to girls.
I solemnly swear I will not get your boyfriend puke in public drunk again
I know it was your bday but bringing a airhorn and blowing it yelling "buy me a fucking shot" in the bartenders face was a little uncalled for
She's currently singing "I'm gonna keep on lovin you" to her pillow. How do you think tonight went?
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