you kept singing the copa cabana and saying HAVE A BANANA to random people on the street. you also went up to this poor short guy and hugged him while proceeding to yell I LOVE YOU CHILD MAN into his face. please tell me you're sober now
obama could have borrowed sotomayor's dick when he threw out that that first pitch like a girl last night
we're out of white wine, toilet paper and windex... too hard to explain via text
He's drunk and putting on a tie for the jimmy john's delivery guy
Yeah...I know. It's cute I think...I mean cute in a weird like hey I kinda took you home from the bar one night, maybe criticized your penis, and fucked your brains out...kinda sorta way
I'm sitting on our balcony drunk. And in my underwear. Our relationship with our neighbors may improve.
This weekend I forgot a cup, so I drank my wine out of a Pringles can. So classy. You would have been so proud.
Meanwhile she's getting her law degree and I'm dropping Cool Ranch Doritos down my bra because I'm laying down eating on the couch
I knew it was going to be a good night when my mom said "Have fun, be safe...wait, do you need any weed for tonight?"
Like woke up with a dick piercing kind of drunk.
I mean I only got hit in the ass with ONE firework
He cannot be your sugar daddy. He looks like a literal hot dog.
We kinda got asked to leave the strip club and on the way out, you fell again. When you finally got up we got a standing ovation from the girls behind the bar and you took a bow. It was awesome.
I like to be the stable force in your otherwise chaotic existence.
all I remember the next morning was crawling through the doggy door and finding my underwear in my purse
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