Got separated, got a half bj, got dropped off in random part of the city, don't tell anyone
He says he's "masters drunk." And if that's anything like "kentucky derby drunk" I know enough to not go over there.
His band may suck, but it's not like I'm sleeping with all of them.
They are chanting tits for freedom and I'm highly considering
I almost caused an explosion; It's okay though. because everyone would have died having a good time.
Hey, 'thunder cock' as proud as I am for you getting laid, could you put a muzzle on her? I have to be up at 5, thanks.
And this is the part where I need you not to judge me. Remember that I have never seen a penis do that and that I have a weird sexual curiosity
His dick is hereby named Charles Dickens. Will's is less cerebral. I'd like to call it Pinnacle like the vodka we drank when we hooked up, but I feel like that's a compliment it doesn't deserve.
New found love of volunteering, when there's free wine available at all times. Good times. And I get to to feel good about helping people.
You know you're doing well in life when weed is considered to improve your job performance
sorry there isn't a 'perfect ass' emoji
I did cocaine off my boobs last night. Then I wrote two essays and went on a run. Go me
You've lost booty call privileges between the hours of 10pm and 8am.
We are all done wearing pants today
I'm 80% sure I have pink eye. This is my penance for being a homewrecker.
Randomize
