my periods are so regular now that they are sync-ed with my subscriptions of vogue.
at a bonfire and someone threw a plastic cup in the fire. everyone immediately stopped what they were doing to yell collectively at him about what he was doing to the environment, then went back to drinking
only in oregon
I love my grandma, but if I have to sit and watch one more show on Bravo, I'm gonna burn her fuckin house to the ground
I just saw the pics of me from the costume party as Party Boy. I've effectively cock-blocked myself forever.
there are so many fish in the see you have left to fuck
walking in back of a girl wearing booty shorts, a halter and a bracelet that says trainwreck. I don't get it. The first day of nice weather and all the whores come out, are they like hibernating bears or something?
He told me something must be wrong, because no one had seen my boobs yet
I'm sorry I tried putting my balls in your cup holder.
There should be a rule. If your dick is under 6 inches, you are not allowed to dress as Thor.
Dude, I'm pretty sure I slept with my TA's girlfriend
Flacco has been sacked like 7 times. His name also auto corrects to Flaccid. That's so sad
At one point I was convinced he was a snake and was going to eat me And I just accepted it
There's a guy masturbating in front of Sephora right now
I'm so glad you haven't fallen off any more yachts
If you wanna fuck the pudding, fuck the pudding. Just not the chocolate, Im gonna eat that.
Randomize
