It was just pointed out to me in a meeting that there is a lipstick stain on my crotch.
you used to get mad at me for mentioning 'unprotected sex' and happenings in my bed
well yeah, but then i realized the wisdom of your ways.
fuck dude i blacked out on a tuesday. what am i doing with my life?
Winning.
the guy i hooked up with is asleep on our couch. please dont fuck him.
What is the pluralization of human? I just got humen rejected, and I am going completely blank...
I wasted my skinny years on you. The least you can do is high five me at the bar
The only reason I'd ever want a boyfriend is so that someone would spoon feed me applesauce when I'm so hungover I can't move
nothing like a cross blunt to celebrate the birth of our savior
I vaguely remember a pregnant lady reaching for my penis. When was I in an elevator?
he told me "apparently my gag reflex doesn't work so if you magically grew a penis I would deep throat you"
I have three different pairs of earrings at three different houses including your 16 year old brothers nightstand. Look at my life. Look at my choices
Sockward: that moment during sexytimes when you realize your socks are still on and you have no idea how to remove them in a non-awkward fashion.
I'm turning into an adult here.
Adults touch each other's special zones.
She drunkenly texted me about Japanese mythology at four AM. I think I’m in love.
Put my boyfriend in a chastity cage while he was passed out last night. Now I control his orgasms.
Randomize
