I'm just sayin. Is it sad that I spent my last dollar on a hamburger just to get a paper bag to huff out of?
He told me his mother taught him that move. What the hell do I say to that?
My parole officer gave me condoms and a Starbucks gift card ... happy holidays.
See, it wasn't that I broke my nose having sex. Its that I forgot about the bedposts...
i'm laying here naked in a pile of empty landshark bottles, is lauren still hiding under the toilet?
I liked a picture of him with his pants around his ankles, if that doesn't say I'm into you, I don't know what does.
You text him a porn site address and said GOODBYE ... I think he got the hint
We haven't even eaten dinner yet and she's already been asked to "take it down a notch" by the groom's mom.
Sorry I didn't answer your call last night, I was peeing on the driveway.
Can cross "get fingered at a state park" off my bucket list
"Only you can prevent yeast infections."
My dad lost his bandaid somewhere in the turkey. It was a mixture of thanksgiving and an Easter egg hunt
Is offering to blow your HR rep considered an ethics violation?
Why did two squirrels just run out from behind the couch?
About that.
All I remember is talking the cops into calling us a cab instead of giving us PIs while trying to wake up your passed-out-on-a-bench ass.
You’re going to be a doctor, and I’m going to be a trophy wife. We both have goals
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