Just got mistaken for a cardboard cutout ad in line at Taco Bell. New low?
I farted on Jack's balls last night. He got pissed and walked away cause he knew it was on purpose. I couldn't hold it in anymore.
I was gonna make fun of her but that plan kinda stopped once she put my dick in her mouth
I seriously just washed my dick in a public restroom. That's how dirty last night got
I'm doing laundry in pjs and heels, home alone with my margarita bucket.
She said just put your tongue in there and don't linger. I have other things to do.
I just listened to "Eye of the Tiger" and did 5 shots to prep going over to see him.
I slept with someone shorter than me. My vagina weeps.
You fool.
The waitress asked if you wanted white or brown, and you said "Isn't it all the same color when it's toasted?". She stared at you for about 20 seconds before she decided that you weren't fucking with her.
I'm beginning to think that women just have dogs at home as an excuse to leave ASAP after hooking up, without sounding like a typical guy.
I'm in his bed. I got up to puke. Im one eyeing it eating a hot dog bun. Wtf. This is my life
He's going to wonder why I have burn marks on my asshole
Woke up this morning to a bunch of snapchats of you drunkenly yelling at grasshoppers. Good night?
I think that maybe Alyssa may of had too much to drink. is it normal for her to straddle random people in quizno's?
hey, so i dont know your name. but im guessing we had sex last night. seeing that you're in my phone as "had sex time thursty thursday guy"
Randomize
