I plan on putting pajamas back on after I shower. Today is going to be awesome.
there is no way he can be that small
look on the bright side he'll over comepensate
being alone eating nachos and drinking from a giant munchen beermug really isnt that sad
There's banana everywhere and your hamster may or may not have stayed the night in the microwave...
Apparently she buried shit in the snow back in January and now that it's melted I found a flip flop, 4 spoons, a bottle of smirnoff, and 14 different candy bars
She's walking around topless with a bottle of red wine, crying and singing showtune ballads. This is actually an improvement.
Santa was walking around downtown handing out stuff at the bars. He gave me a free eyebrow wax. I think he's trying to tell me something
I just found that video of you jumping onto my exercise ball feet-first and face-planting into my shoe rack.
If you don't get head tonight I will castrate you
Seriously. Castrate.
Hypothetically how does one go about throwing away a dildo?
I'm still pretty stoned. There are mini rice cakes in my robe pocket to snack on in the shower.
Are you high?
The snorkel mask makes that pretty clear
Tell him "come over but don't bring a flaccid dick"
Wear something tight
My one night stand just messaged me and said he is praying for me...
How drunk were you? in an effort to seduce him, you demonstrated your lap dance skillz on his dog.
Randomize
