It just feels so wrong throwing away the condoms into her Hello Kitty trashcan
i dont know what it was but it was definately NOT a vagina
I told her I had the flu when in reality I did way too many drugs last night, haven't slept and don't want to sit through a 3 hour buisness meeting trying to figure out which voices are real and which are in my head
Just got complimented on my chugging... Car bombs show how good I am at swallowing, they should be my new pickup line.
We interrupt your regularly scheduled Saturday morning programming with this important announcement: you are not the father. I repeat not the father. Congratulations and have a nice day.
she was trying to use her iTranslate app while we were having sex.
This body was not built to go to the gym. It was built to chain smoke cigarettes and shoot whiskey
So the woman who sold us weed at the park is pregnant. With another small child. And the basket she used to carry the joints is decorated with Barney stickers.
She's like a yuppie Nancy Botwin. She just gets better and better.
You're the reason why I want to be a better drunk
So how exactly do I backtrack from motorboating and ass grabbing?
This morning he fucked me while I was brushing my teeth. So I kept brushing as he thrusted. Then I brushed his teeth with my toothbrush while he was still in me. So hygienic.
Getting free blow from a total stranger, who asked permission to stroke my eyebrows, was the highlight of my evening out. Also, I have a new cuddle dealer.
I was in a penguin suit. Dick out. I am confident in the value of my pic.
Call it slutty but I take pride in being a first round draft pick booty call. And I know I was first cause he texted me at 1030a
I ate 1200 calories worth of chocolate covered marshmallows and googled why it is okay to be single forever
Randomize
