we're microwaving frozen margaritas its not the same without u
what made it akward was his girlfriends dog watching us have sex
The bong broke. we're having a little funeral followed by an inaugeration service for the new one
He said if I stayed the night he'd take me to church in the morning.
He violated my cat. I was not impressed.
Sometimes I wonder why I hang out with you. And then you show up half naked at my door with a half gal of vodka, and I remember why.
Woke up to pictures of me cooking wings with a blow torch.
Just so we're clear. I'm still making jello shots and bringing them to the bar in my purse. I don't care if its half off margaritas. Don't want anyone thirsty
I was just handed a bible on my walk of shame....are you there god? its tequila tuesday's hangover
so...the lady doing my pedi totally noticed the human bite marks on my calf. Who says marriage ends your sex life? Love u!
I can control the tv with my phone while pooping on the second floor. I thought you should know for future reference
went out to hit golf balls, ended up doing splits at the bar. you're a bad influence.
I'm a grown ass woman. Treat me like one. Fuckboy
When Dad gets to your house, ask him about the sound of anal beads. Happy Thanksgiving!
i told someone my fallback plan was to be a slutty bartender and i needed the practice as i straddled them to pour a shot
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