standing in the yard with no pants on waiting for google maps to come and take a picture.
this will be a night to untag.
Just walked out of 7 11 still in uniform when 4 girls in bikinis in a convertable screamed "we fuck firefighters!"
Career choice validated
I'd just like to say before I start drinking tonight that not only do I not find you attractive; I don't want to hook up with you, suck your dick, be your "suga mama" or have your babies. Please disregard any texts, phone calls or voicemails that say otherwise..
Trying to convince myself that everyone keeps staring at me because I'm pretty and not because of my hickies.
I'm like a number 27.2 on a scale of 1-10 of how badly I want you right now.
Your lack of a response brings it down to a 25.4.
I rolled over and my thoughts became words and I said "oh fuck not you again" he didn't think that was too kind and asked me to leave
New low. I just threw up in the shower at 4pm. Nothing like leaving behind my 20s with class.
Dude at the bar last night came into the bathroom, drop kicked the stall open and start saying lines from happy Gilmore as he was shitting, "go in your home! Are you too good for your home?!"
Tony's mom to him at breakfast: "I found the shirt you wore last night in the bushes this morning."
Great. I broke up with him before he could like my selfie, now I'm down a like.
I just blew thrown up hashbrowns out my nose. That's the level of this hangover.
I still blew him because I won't let allergies keep me from doing what I want. But I almost suffocated like 10 times.
I missed you last night. I'm sure he will never forget the night i sang my heart will go on into his penis like a microphone
I just took like 30 condoms from the doctors office... no one can say I don't try to save my money.
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