Before he took off his pants he paused and said, "Remember..sometimes great things come in small packages."
He bought me Ben & Jerrys and then apologized for the fact that he was going to fall asleep before we could have sex
Dreamed I made out with a stranger after falling out of a car, let's make this happen tonight.
In 30 minutes I will have been sober for an entire month. Time for a celebratory lap of cheap alcohol that leads to early liver failure.
But happy liver failure. That's what counts.
THE CONDOM ONLY COVERS HALF OF HIS DICK I AM IN THE BATHROOM PANICKING
Because at some point last night we decided that shotgunning beers from a paint stick was a good idea
did i really sing to your nipples last night?
yes. and it was oddly very seductive
If I win the contest of drinking the most water I get a chicken nugget.
We were simultaneously boning chicks 3 feet away from each other. Do you realize how much that upped our 15 year friendship?
I finally got the glitter off in time to get to the party and bang the bday boy in the bathroom while his girlfriend was lighting the bday cake candles.
I'm still getting random messages from guys about my Halloween outfit. Electrical tape is coming back next year
after stripping the bed and soaking it with the "pet spot remover" I have, I decided in the best interest of my mattress and our drunk friends bladders, i should invest in rubber sheets.
He left a full handprint on my ass. He called it a "five-star review."
Dick very happy bro
Does your balding hurt less when a 19 year old holds your hand?
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