she lunged for my junk like it was the cure for swine flu
stuffed animals make me feel really maternal.
so i had sex last night with my 12th partner, but hes number 1 for my first time using a condom. i think im finally learning.
Well, at first I was really confused. But then I realized that he was talking from his penis's perspective... in third person.
I hit him with a car. Nothing says I hate you more than backing into someone with a fucking car.
Numbies before the dentist, such a good idea.
I WILL BE THE BEST FICTITIONAL HISTORICAL FIGURE FOR THE FEMENIST MOVEMENT THE WORLD HAS EVER SEEN
my balls were so many shades of blue last night I could have used them as paint and replicated the entirety of Picaso's blue period. The girl was an art major I feel like this metaphor is appropriate.
3 2 1 whiskey
He could only go twice. I need a guy with more stamina and is less married
He used pronouns for his penis while sexting. I don't know what I did to deserve this.
I shit myself when I came, don't have flu sex
You're the only guy I know who could convince a lady at the pharmacy to trade you her pain pills for your antibiotics.
If anything I look like a soccor mom going out for her annual ladies night. Trying hard, but not quite in her twenty's anymore.
At what point did i decide poptarts, nyquil, and whiskey was a good idea?
Randomize
