My mom found a condom in my purse
Correction: my mom found a used condom in my purse.
i love how i spend my mornings exploring my phone to see what i did last night.
This is random, but did i give u a handjob in the middle of the night or was that a dream?
In hindsight, trust falling your grandma was a bad idea. Sorry about that.
Ever since I told them the story of the sex in the canoe scandal its like I am in season
She didn't talk for 45 minutes. We finally convinced her to open her mouth. There was a flower in there.
I'm watching intervention which is getting me psyched for your birthday. Is that wrong?
The little girl I babysit saw pink plastic shot glasses in my car and asked what they were for and I told her they were princess teacups.
being sober in physics class makes me realize the regularity with which i show up to it still drunk
You chest bumped everyone we walked by on the way home... Even girls
Opening beer with my teeth is getting easier the drunker I become.
It turns out my teeth are bleeding.
He kept telling me my vagina was a pleasure cave... I ended up just taking it as a complimetn
IM HAMMERED AND JUST HAD CHEESECAKE THAT MADE ME FEEL LIKE NO MAN HAS EVER MADE BE FEEL BEFORE.
Finding my pants in the morning should not make me this proud
Sorry I totally pulled a home invasion on you last night
That was super inconsiderate of me
Randomize
