i finished masturbating and realized my blackberry had accidentaly called my grandmother in my pocket during it. awkward...
Banged a lazy eyed chick last night. It was like fucking an iguana.
well judging by the amount of dired blood around my nipple rings i'm gonna assume it was a good night
her bf's celebrating 10 yrs of service at kfc...it's safe to say all the good men are taken
He made me leave when I challenged "all you bitches" to a game of strip taboo.
I only remembered where urgent care was because it's across the street from my favorite bar
Michelle asked what I was wearing tonight. I responded with a g-string and plastic wrap. I've gotten no response since.
You were sitting in the middle of the floor spewing vodka at people proclaiming "I a whale". That drunk.
PLAN B IS EXPENSIVE ON A $50 A WEEK BUDGET.
You were chugging tap water out of a running blender screaming "bubbles is Perrier mother fucker"
I'm toasting stale bread and thinking of you
Is that a sex thing?
The cop left me alone after I gave her my spare snow cone. It was a hot and humid day and that uniform looked stuffy. Yay stoner me for overindulging in icy treats.
Legitimately sent a work email with "Hey, you kids, get off my lawn" as the subject line.
I made one of my coworkers cheers to me not being pregnant. I've never talked to him before tonight. Keeping it classy.
If I walk downstairs and Kelly is fucking in the laundry room again I'm gonna die
Randomize
