There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
Just realized our kids will one day call us old because we were around when texting came about. I'm sad.
you dont have to exercise, you threw up last night!
holy crap !! There is a MIDGET FAMILY in one of my rooms today !
How much trouble would you get into if you were to stomp down the hallway while loudly saying 'Fe Fi Fo Fum...'
its like think what a normal person would think but completely the opposite.
his semen tasted like maple syrup. no wonder fat girls always wanna fuck him.
you kept saying 'its nothing a six pack wont fix' as they loaded you into the ambulance.
he sounded really stupid. it was like his puke had a stutter, too.
Could have been worst, could have seen me bent over biting her carpet while her son was inside me, i think i would have respnded with "i was just trying to be quiet"
there is something very satisfying about getting tacos after hours of sex.
The hotel had a helipad. Of course we had sex on it.
I don't remember anything but bad decisions last night
He struggled for a second trying to unhook my bra and I said "4/10. Novice."
I've seen you go skiing on a Tuesday, but you think you're too good for TGI Friday's?
ALL I WANT FOR CHRISTMAS IS FOR YOU TO SHUT THE FUCK UP FOR ONCE
Randomize
