I think I ordered pizza when I got home. The email said the delivery time was noon today. So if that shit shows up I am the most amazing drunk on the planet.
This girl named her kid Rainforrest. If I die, just know it was from laughing so fucking hard.
We banged through her entire lady gaga playlist. I can die happy now
i think there mostly mad about the fact it was 6 pm not the fact i blew a .255
I'm concerned you might be passed out on a random rooftop right now. Not concerned enough to do anything about it. Hope you're alive. Goodnight.
I walked out of the store holding my face and a lady pulled her daughter away from me as I then threwup in the parking lot
Oh God! I'm naked from the waist down playing records. Too drunk. I don't even know what to do.
Balls out but with a shirt on. Eating ravioli. I don't know how to deal with this.
I just hit the bong during the whole bday song then blew the candles out with my exhale.
If I give you a key to my place you have to promise to one day wake me up with a blowjob.
And by one day I mean once every two weeks.
Come make me food. I feel like if I go in the kitchen I will just get Gin.. and pass out in there.
At first I was a little embarrassed for sharting, but then i realized it was a bachelor party, and I went balls to the wall
i would compare it to sliding down a velcro-covered fireman's pole naked. no more bearded men for me.
I just found a grey hair. On my nipple. Fuck you too, Mother Nature.
Drunk field day, hangover yoga and sober archery practice
I just made my mom buy me lube. I've reached a new level of broke.
Randomize
