Going to get tested monday. You're coming with. Bonding time, slut style.
Almost peed between 2 cars...till I realized that it's daytime and I'm sober.
No you can't have a vodka redbull. The pilgrims didn't have vodka redbull.
Haha. I got you. I always pay you back somehow. Do you accept all major forms of payment: cash, taco bell, and patriotic underwear?
Everybody shut up a minute, we need to discuss how much nicer the world would be if pants weren't a thing.
You burned the hair off your arms. Again.
It grows back stronger each time.
I forgot that places existed where drinking on Sunday is frowned upon. It's just so unreasonable.
Why do I have a wristband from the birthing center at the University of Maryland hospital....
Guess who has two thumbs and broke her boyfriends dick?
Do you feel better now that you've sent me a picture of your dick?
Yep.
Something like; Dear Cupid, when are you going to send me someone to date that isn't a complete psychopath
I feel like I lost a fight with an 800 lb gorilla made of tequila
i read his ps3 instant messaging thing... he's meeting a guy to have sex. i think your boyfriend's gay
Stranded. In bathroom stall. No toilet paper. I repeat NO TOILET PAPER! Assistance needed asap. GO! GO! GO!
I think my roomie is silently judging me for spraining my foot by having sex in a bounce house
so the bounce house and tequila was good idea then?
Randomize
