Why did I cab home last night?
Because you said you were drunk, sad, and someone called you a hooker.
Don't put random dicks in your mouth or any other crevice for that matter... and i'm home in 30 seconds
Wish I got that text last night instead of this morning.
Dude I thought this was going to suck, but moving back in with my dad is like being at a frat party every night only everyone is 40 years old.
It's like my work doesn't even care about margarita mondays.
Do you think he woke up this morning, looked at you, and then regretted everything?
From the trajectory of the puke, I must have fallen off the top bunk while trying to vomit, due to the dented bucket, ruined carpet, and bruised dignity I now own.
Selling Girl Scout Cookies outside bars for higher than retail value has got to be the most profitable idea. Ever.
He's coming over for beer and a movie, but I just don't know if he's interested.
Pathetic and sad. I should come over there and fuck both of you just to get the ball rolling.
The venue for the new years party is close to the hospital for obvious reasons.
It's not that I'm in love with her, so much as I would love to be her lesbian experience.
Making cookies for neighbors. Spill beer all over dough. Bake anyways. From good neighbors back to the shitty college kids next door in under 3 seconds.
Dude I'm hungover as fuck in a bed in Baltimore with another man... I don't think I can make it.
Well, I crapped my pants in front of her entire family, was laughed out of their house, and I had to walk home with shit stained pants. So, yeah, it went really well.
YOU BETTER TOUCH MY NIPPLES TODAY
You were like a drunk and unconscious tickle me elmo.
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