I am not hooking up with him just to see what his penis looks like.
i was so high last night while i was driving i felt like i was riding a bike with no pedals
he changed my name in his contacts to "rick", so his mom wouldn't know he was texting me
Do you think Tom Brady went home tonight and changed his facebook status to "pink with lace"?
The man at the Honda dealership told me I smell like vodka and probably shouldn't be driving.
I just saw "i'm bigger then that" as her facebook status. Would it be better to make a fat joke or correct her grammar?
I have six drafts of messages to you that just say "blood" and I have no idea where they came from.
Getting cock-blocked by Jeff Bridges. NOT OKAY.
i'm having taco bell mild sauce and tums for breakfast because i'm hungover and thats all i can find. it's like thanksgiving up in here
Really? And is this the kinda party we talked about earlier?
Yup. It's just me crying in a closet eating soup
Good news: you're over the drunk crying life phase. Bad news: now you're handy and violent. You were groping me from behind in front of the guy you like, then you put me in a headlock and swept the leg.
I just know what's gonna happen. I mean. I shaved my legs up to shorts length. But I'm leaving the rest as a sort of makeshift caution tape.
Her cop pants made me imagine I was riding a unicorn and by unicorn I mean her face
the next morning we realized we didnt speak the same language... guess i subconsciously did learn a little german last semester. thanks study abroad.
ah the experiences a semester in Vienna can give you. Frau would enjoy knowing that even while sleeping during class you still managed to learn enough german to get laid
Want to go to Victoria’s Secret? His fiancée is out of town and I’m going to try and stop the wedding with lingerie and lots adventurous sex
Absolutely! I love a good sexual filibuster!
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