I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
So i just bought beer on a credit card, using a fake ID, while wearing my nametag from work. All 3 have different names on them. God i love my boobs.
I felt weird they were both staring at me waiting for the scoop on how your vagina felt.
It's sore actually
seeing an 80 year old woman puke in the bushes changes everything...
that's spring break in florida for ya
He just brought me a wine glass. Full of Tequila. Ignore any texts after this one.
Just passed a guy passed out on a riding lawn mower in his front yard.
This is the way my sobriety ends: Not with a bang, but with a whimper.
I'm still trying to figure out how you came back with chinese food, and a spoon covered in icing saying 'cake..'
I hate when people see you passed out in your front yard and call 911. Like what, you can't take a nap face down on your steps at 4pm?
Im gunna just be that one ballerina in the low V leopard thong leotard and everyone else can be boring and prude with their little pink tights on.
I am walking funny today. And it's sad because it's from the bad encounter with the sidewalk rather than a good encounter with a stripper
Chris used to fill up a Camel Back for thirsty Thursday. God I really miss him, do you remember when he gets out of jail?
Can't. Way too high. Forgot how to operate doors. Stuck outside.Come get me.
Can I come over and use your shower? My roommate got drunk last night and took my bathroom door off its hinges
I'd kiss your neck and collarbone and then run my tongue up your neck to just behind your ear
And then lightly kick the curve inside your ear
Randomize
