Can one do a walk of shame from one's own hotel? Considering I just barfed in a planter down town in from of a bunch of business men in suits on my way to a work breakfast on a Wednesday morning, I am gonna just go with yes.
My mom's crying. That means it must be Christmas.
I'm relatively certain my chiropractor just judged me for admitting that my back is misaligned from the sex we had last night...
I woke up in your car in the McDonalds parking lot. What the hell happened to 'no man left behind'?
Couldn't find any balloons, so we're doing whippets out of condoms. Being a ho has its benefits.
He hasn't left the hospital without a nurse's number all year. My nurses are always ugly or men. Wtf bro
I had 17 beers 2 days ago. I'm not dad material yet
GOOD NEWS I CAN BRING THE VODKA IN MY LUGGAGE
This strange Italian man told me he wants to take me for ice cream and kept calling me "tomato" from tinder
I need ecstasy. And, before you ask, the answer is yes right now
Then James put his arms through the window and grabbed him, like he was Robocop. A nerdy, portly Robocop.
Who is this?
I told her I'd rather set my hair on fire than sleep with her again. In retrospect, that was probably too harsh. My eye is still swollen shut.
I actually talked to his parents last night about it. haha. I had a bottle of smirnoff in my hand, I'm sure they took me serious.
she prefaced telling me she was pregnant with "houston, we have a problem"
So what we learned was that it doesn't matter how skinny the stripper is, if she sits on your knee with a torn acl for two hours it's going to swell up
Randomize
