I was in the bathroom and her cat just looked at my penis with a profound hatred.
i just snorted my name. best moment ever
when i woke up this morning i blew my nose and ash came out.. i'm not sure what to make of this.
What would you have done with a 40 foot neon parrot anyway?
Isiahs hammered. And just came in to get his skateboard and said he has to prove something. This can't end well
I legitimately just tried to piss above my head. I got to my chest at highest. There's piss everywhere.
If I ever die and svu has to come to my murder scene make sure they know I don't wear underwear always so it might not be as bad as they think
Why is Kyle using one of my nieces as a blunt object to provoke and attack my other niece?
I thought turtle was a code word for weed until he pulled out a baby turtle from his pocket and said "$20 for a turtle"
Seriously, don't even. "Hi, have I seen you half naked covered in bright red body paint on the internet?" is NOT acceptable water-cooler chit-chat.
Aw.
We should just do therapy together, clearly we have all the same issues. It's why we are friends.
He's been watching the World Cup too much because right before he came he screamed "NUT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" for half a minute. Our landlord is not happy.
I sleep better at night when I win things. I never really weep for others.
you know my pussy doesn't know between good and evil
I think you know you’ve caught feelings when you’re asking a tinder boy his opinion about your current fuck buddy.
Randomize
