my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
I just remembered yelling "they're gonna let me be a lawyer! Me! Why would they do that?"
Isn't that the only thing she's good at? Complaining and blow jobs?
So, Southern Comfort will donate 25 cents for every bottle sold towards Gulf Coast Relief... Can we save the wetlands through my alcoholism?
I'm pretty sure I just had a convo with my hot pockets about how they weren't good enough for the oven.
they call him Oral-B. enough said
All of our toilets in my house are broken. Thank God I've practiced peeing in the sink enough.
I think I'm going to postpone my photo shoot until my Gpa dies. I don't want to be in lingerie and stripper heels when I finally get the call
She made me sing happy birthday to myself at the urinal.
Yeah, I wish I could have one upped you. But all I did was ride circles around a cop on a stolen bicycle while laughing at him for telling me to stop riding on the sidewalk.
Let's put it this way, there's not many girls I wouldn't let sit on my face
Watching Supernatural does more for me sexually than the physical encounters with 90% of the men in my life.
I'm really sorry I bit your mom last night, it was completely uncalled for.
You tried to lick the lightbulb and fell off of the chair onto my wife and gave her a concussion. Did i mention you were naked?
I think/hope James is drunk. He's standing in the front lawn loudly declaring "I AM a popsicle!" Over and over....
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