If I can't get a one-legged man to love me, what the hell chance do I have with a NORMAL guy???
Considering the last guy I had sex with was gay, this was a huge improvement.
The cops forgot your handle of tequila when they took you away. Taking shots in your honor amigo
Stripper pole. Sore legs. More vaca money.
Blow job bear ended up in my bed last night. She didn't live up to her costume.
It doesn't matter how many times you look in your purse, Your keys are not going to be there. Maybe you left them at the bar.
Maybe they fell out of my pocket last night when I rolled down the hill.
He put crushed up bacon in the joint and now we're listening to the Matilda soundtrack I have no idea what's going on
His wife made me pancakes and let me borrow a clean shirt. Should I drop his class or use this to my advantage
Why is there a video on my phone of us trying to snort a line of Reeces Pieces with you chanting "This is how fat girls party"?
I Can't even believe I threw all my pizza rolls at her, I mean not only did i ruin a good meal but now I dont have anymore
OMG IM A TIGER AND I LOVE ROARING
Apparently I tried my hand at mustard juggling. I wasn't very good.
My heart feels like a grape in a barrel about to be crushed into wine
i have never been so sexually frustrated as I am right now. I feel like dying...is death an option?
only you would understand that I was talking from the perspective of my boobs
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