My farts woke her up so I pretended to be keep sleeping.
Class is significantly more awkward when you know that your teacher knows what you look like with your legs behind your head... Just saying.
Chick stood right next to me in the elevator. Like she had the whole elevator and she stood right next to me. So I farted.
I understand that I gave you a nose bleed with a cheeto last night and for that I apologize
It's called the eyeliner-blowjob correlation, read a science book bro
WHO THE FUCK TAGS THEMSELVES AT COUNTY JAIL?!?!
Pretty sure I'm about to get another tattoo. It'll have mom in there somewhere for Mother's Day.
I think I used my NERF gun during sexual roleplay. Need to re-evaluate my life choices.
You were throwing cups at people in the basement, yelling at them to get out of your swamp.
I think he's an actor
That's not a good enough reason to wear guy-liner
I mean, I want you to have freaky orgasmic fun to entertain me, but I don’t want you to risk HIV or car crashes
That same damn squirrel keeps staring at me like I did something wrong. Nature knows when you're hung over.
You know, finding my first grey pube at 34 is FAR more distressing than finding that first grey hair at 13.
I DO NOT FUCKING WANT OR NEED THIS INFORMATION!
I mean his penis was perfect in pictures but its even more perfect inside me
can jess come too?
sure! but I don't have enough booze for the both of you.
she comes with her own booze, no worries.
Randomize